(The Hark Herald) NORTH POLE - In what seems to be another blow to the already crumbling global economy, patron saint of gift-giving and local philanthropist, Santa Claus (pictured above) has announced that he will be boycotting the national holiday of Christmas in 2012.
Nicholas von Badelt Klaus, better known as the plump, jolly, white-bearded man donned in a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white-cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots, has publicly declared his unwillingness to participate in the season of merryment with regards to the much publicized '2012 Doomsday Prophecy'.
Said a visibly distraught Klaus, 783, "I am very concerned with this prophecy and have spent many a sleepless night pondering over it. One factor my wife and I are particularly concerned with is the geo-magnetic reversal of poles and how it will affect us. As a citizen of the North Pole, I have absolutely no desire to be relocated to the South. Do I look like a (censored) redneck Mexican Eskimo to you? We have had numerous meetings with the elves and reindeers, including Mary, my wife and we have come to ideal solution of simply not going for Christmas in 2012. Hey, if the world is ending, then there isn't much point to gift-giving, is there? Now, get off my goddamn [sic] boat!"
The geo-magnetic reversal of poles is a phenomenon that occurs when the North and South Poles switch magnetic polarity. Its effect on humans is not known at this time, but it remains a threat to civilization, especially to Klaus himself.
Klaus has also expressed disbelief at his heavenly government, citing a 'glitch in management and protocol' to be held responsible for the impending disaster, and for those responsible to publicly step down and relinquish all posts. He has also stated that the decision was made in haste and poor judgement, adding that it was too soon to call for a global crisis. Known for his staunch support for U.S. President Barack Obama, Klaus has said he hopes his act of protest will urge several heavenly leaders to postpone Judgement Day to give the U.S. President, whose current tenure ends in November 2012, a chance to be re-elected to another four year term in office.
Klaus has served as the publicly renowed delivery boy since the inception of the post in the early 14th century. His credentials include promoting countless seasons of joy and happiness, temporarily stopping wars between nations and paying guest visits at many shopping outlets, where he entertains little children as a hobby.
(For more updates, please visit our local webpage at www.harkheraldonline.com)
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